Goodbye 2009, welcome 2010

Ten years ago, the world was preparing herself for the new millennium with trepidation because of the Y2K bug that never was.  It was a non-event, far removed from the gloom and doom that was predicted.

A year later, the world's attention was gripped in horror as many of us watched the terrorist attack of September 11.  I remember receiving an sms asking me to tune in to the TV as "war has started in America".  The scene on TV was surreal - could it be real that big commercial planes were crashing into the World Trade Centre building at New York?  It was.  That day changed the way we travelled forever.

Two years later in March 2003, an enemy we could not see again gripped the world and this time Singapore in particular.  SARS (Severe Acute Respiratory Syndrome) struck Singapore after it quickly spread from the index case in Hong Kong.  Hospitals in Singapore was put on full alert and we geared up rapidly.  There was significant fear as the nature of the disease and how it spread was unclear initially.  Schools were closed, Singapore companies quickly came up with thermal scanners to help with mass temperature screening, there was shortage of N95 masks and other personal protective equipment.  At some point, healthcare workers were discriminated against due to fears of contamination.  Visitor limitations were imposed... SARS changed the face of healthcare but we came through stronger and better prepared for future epidemic/ pandemic situations.

One year later, on boxing day, the tsunami of 2004 "crept" onto the shores of many countries and destroyed many coastal homes and families.  The devastation was shocking and till today the rebuilding is still taking place.  As much as the tsunami destroyed, it also united the world.  The outpouring of aids and the direct assistance rendered by many countries and their people were heartwarming.  At that time I was in SGH and I recall the number of hospital staff volunteering themselves.  Teams were sent, supplies were packed and lives of many who volunteered were changed as they saw how every humble effort of one person could make a difference to another facing calamity.

Thereafter, the world "kind of hum along" with smaller aberrations every once in a while until the "virus of the Pigs" provided yet another scare in April 2008.  It started in Mexico but quickly spread to the US and with global travel, the virus found its way to Singapore.  Many of us now know of it as the H1N1 virus.  Fortunately, mankind is spared of major devastation as the virus turned out to be less virulent than originally thought.

As the world's attention was diverted to the H1N1 virus, the "Mega" financial smeltdown started some time in Sep 2008.  I remember thinking to myself at that time that "there is something about the month of September!" AIG bailout, Lehman Brothers collapsed and then the stock market crashed.  Companies that were seen to be "too big to fail" fell.  It was quite unexpected as the economy was booming just shortly before and oil price saw its peak at US$145/ barrel a few months before that.  Fortunately, the economies of the world took concerted measures to shore up the financial markets and today consumer confidence have returned and the market is picking up steam again.  The Singapore market has now recovered some 65% from the lows last year.

It is with this brighter horizon that we are preparing to enter 2010 - the beginning of yet another decade.

For me, this past decade has been one where I have experienced growth both personally and professionally.  I count my blessings amidst the many things that have happened.

(1)  My lovely daughter Melody was born in 2003 and my cheeky son Zachary arrived on 20/07/2007 (auspicious date right?)

(2)  We moved into our new home in 2003 albeit shortly after that SARS struck

(3)  Had a fulfilling 6-year stint starting from April fools day of 2004 at SGH and SingHealth playing the roles of COO SGH, Group Chief Procurement Officer and later on as Group Chief COO SingHealth

(4)  Celebrated my 16th wedding anniversary with my wife - the woman of my life and my source of inspiration!

(5) Living up my dream to lead in the starting up of the new Jurong General Hospital and the opportunity to see it come to fruition in 2014.

2010 looks set to be an exciting year already!  Many Singaporeans will be counting down to 2010 tonight.  My hope for all of us:

(1) we will have good health so that we can live a life that we desire,

(2) we will truly treasure, love and spend time with our family

(3) we will learn not to live a life as if everything depend on us - rest!

(4) we will experience love, peace and joy even as we work hard for a little more wealth so that we enjoy it with the health that we have

Happy new year everyone!! Talk to you next year :-)

An excellent Singapore product for the elderly

This Christmas, I picked up a Black iNO CP09 big button phone designed by a Singapore company for my father-in-law.

It is an excellent phone - big button numeric pads that is extremely comfortable both to use and to the eyes, comes with attached touch light, FM radio, and external keylock function.  The clincher for me is that one-button "SOS" function in bright orange at the back of the phone.  When an elderly person falls at home or is suddenly disabled from illness, all he/ she has to do is to depress the SOS button.  Doing so will activate automatic messaging to 4 predetermined mobile phones with the message "This is an emergency. Call me now".  Concurrently, the iNO will automatically dial the 4 emergency numbers in quick succession until someone picks up the phone.  When that happens, the iNO automatically goes into speaker mode so that the elderly may be able to communicate without the need to hold the phone close to the mouth. At $88 for the phone, I thought it was a great buy and a very useful one too.  As Singapore ages, innovation such as this will be in greater demand.

The main problem with this phone is actually not about the phone, but how it is poorly marketed.  The instruction manual that comes with the phone was written in poor english with many typos.  When the phone was being charged, a message "Charging" appears on  the screen.  At the end of the charge cycle, the message on the screen was "Charging FULL"!

Singapore companies need to pay attention to details if they want to make it to the global market.  It would be such a waste if they have a great product - as the case may be for the iNO CP09, but are confined only to the Singapore market because they have failed to take the product through the last mile!

Life without a domestic helper

I have been without a domestic helper for the last 2 weeks.

This is the first time that we do not have an overlapping period between change over of domestic helpers - coping without a maid in our busy lifestyle is certainly challenging.

Part of this challenge is due to my expectations.  My colleagues would know that I reiterate the maxim of "a place for everything and everything has its place" countless times as we plan transition to Alexandra Hospital and the new JGH.  Basically, I am quite neat with my things at home.  Little did I find out that my wife, having a led a life with me for more than 15 years has become even more demanding in the area of cleanliness and keeping things neat.  So, the rest is history...

There are a few great things that have come about as a result of the unforeseen departure of my maid.  First, my children are now even closer to me.  I bathe them, change them, bring them to the toilet, play with them, read to them, go shopping with them, bring them to the library and bookstores, write them notes, tuck them into bed, pray for them.  Not that I do not do these things with them when my maid was around but the regularity and significant increase in frequency helped solidify our bond further.

Second, I am now better equipped to know where are the various things kept throughout the house.  Although the system used to store the stuff may be questionable, the most important quick fix for me is to know where to find things.  I am resolved to create a better inventory system when this "crisis" is over.

Third, I have developed better empathy regarding what my wife has to go through daily taking care of kids as a stay home mom.  It is really not easy - practically no time-out unless she consciously carve out some time for herself to recharge.  Sometimes when I am asked if my wife is working, my reply would be "only one person need to suffer...", and I was really referring to my wife.  Taking a job out there could well be "easier" than a stay home mom - at least one can apply for leave, take a lunch break, etc at the office! I really treasure her for taking on this "harder" job.

Despite these, life without a maid is still a "crisis" that my family is trying to manage.

My plans for the rest of the year have been turned upside down.  There are many readings and planning for next year that I would have loved to spend more time in my quiet reflection.  But, where is that time for "quiet reflection" with kids demanding my attention all the time with their many needs!  My maid used to help to manage the kids when I need some time of my own at home.  Interruptions are now rampant.  I would read the first line on a paper and my 3 year old would yell out "...cannot hold..." and I would hurriedly leave my desk to bring him to toilet.  As I settled back, skimmed the next few lines and I would hear a scream - gosh my kids are fighting for the same game again. I would settle the commotion, finished the first page and my daughter would come in and ask if I can read to her. I said I would do so after I am finished with the paper and the next thing I know, my son spilled his food...  In quiet contemplative kind of environment, that paper would have taken 15 minutes to read but in my "new life", I would be lucky to finish reading a paper in 3 hours.

The key is to keep the peace at home as our hearts, mind and plans are ruffled.  "Sacrifices" will have to be made.  I accept it that during this period, not everything will be in its place.  Some things may not be done to perfection in order to maintain some sanity.  All of us will have to step outside our comfort zone and self-perceived roles and chip in as we should as a family.

I am so glad that my new maid will start work in my home this coming wednesday.  There will be a period of "ramping up" for her and during the same period I hope my wife and I can "ramp down" somewhat.  I am indeed looking forward to catching some personal time and time with my wife in the near future!

In the meantime, I am just a tad grouchy.  I hope that you will find it in your heart to forgive me.

"I prefer to keep them healthy than treat them when they are sick"

It is strange that I should be doing this on Christmas Day, but I am catching up on my readings.  Tasked with the charge to be the healthcare architect for the population in the west with the building of the new Jurong General Hospital, I have been populating and inspiring my mind with ideas others are thinking and implementing.

I picked up an email containing an article from one of the online issue of the NYTimes, "If all doctors had more time to listen".  Dr Batlle, a primary care doctor in the US was quoted in the article saying "I prefer to keep them (patients) healthy than  treat them when they are sick".  I thought to myself, this is indeed what Jurong Health Services - the health system comprising Jurong General Hospital, aspires to do for the population in the west.

The article started with a visit by Dr Batlle to the home of a 93-year old patient.  She had 15 types of medications from a range of healthcare providers including a cardiologist, gerontologist, a pulmonologist and upon checking, found that "...some of the medications have expired, some unnecessary and some dangerous if taken together".  Dr Batlle was able to cut her medication to 4 and gave the family her personal mobile phone number.  According to Dr Batlle, she was able to save the patients from several visits to the accident & emergency and hospital stays because she was able to attend to the needs of the patient in a timely manner.

I asked myself, "Is this a far-fetch example of badly coordinated care, or is this the real world out there where patients may unwittingly be left floundering?" Based on the experiences of my family members, feedback from patients that I have heard over the years, and some recent feedback from colleagues whose loved ones have taken ill (both locally and overseas) - this example represents a real need out there for better care coordination, better access to patient-centred care that will enable patients to manage their medical conditions or to just stay healthy.

Navigating healthcare for our own health can be quite daunting.  We lack knowledge of medicine and hence depend heavily on healthcare providers to guide us through the "healthcare maze" of:

- when should I go to the GP,
- when do we need specialist care,
- is this serious enough for us to head straight to the the accident and emergency department,
- is there a particular type of specialist I should see,
- if there are few specialists looking after me is there one overall in-charge who will know everything about my medical condition,
- my doctors who are seeing me for various conditions are giving me different medication - should I take all or discontinue some,
- when I am discharged from the hospital will I be able to take care of myself,
- how will I know if I have fully recovered,
- if I am referred to the community hospital will they know how to continue my care,
- which nursing home should I choose - are they all the same,
- how do I take care of my wound when I am discharged,
- why is the instruction from the discharge nurse different from the doctor - who should I follow,
- if I need help to manage my condition who should I ask,
- this medication makes me dizzy should I stop
...the list goes on.

It has become quite obvious that we need a better way to integrate care for our patients, hopefully even before they become a "patient".  The population will benefit when we are able to "stitch together" the various components of our healthcare system and make it easy for the man-in-the-street to be able to better access the right care.  In the first instance, we should make it easy for people to stay healthy or at least have the information so that they can be motivated to do so.

My dream is that we will be able to ultimately integrate healthcare in a manner so simple that we can literally "bring health to every home" - much like the simple but powerful Microsoft vision of "putting a PC on every desk running Microsoft".

IT will be a key enabler and work to put in place a national health record for Singapore has already started.  Healthcare capacities and capabilities will need to be enhanced, and the plan to build JGH is a testimony to that commitment.

Singaporeans can be proud of our healthcare system.  When compared to the healthcare systems of even many of the advanced countries in the world, ours continue to stand out in terms of quality, access and cost.  As our population continue to age and with the growing incidence of chronic illnesses, this transformation of our healthcare system that is currently taking place, from the current episodic acute care based approach to one that is integrated, seamless and population based will indeed be the change that we need.

Let's see how we can co-create a healthcare system that will truly put "Health" at the centre and NOT just "illness" care.

Strong when we are weak...

This week, faith and trust took a beating.  It is in my nature to be trusting and believe the best in people as the default mode. Most times, this has been the right approach.  I have seen people blossom right before my eyes as I did so, the rewards unimaginable and satisfying!

However, my domestic helper (maid) who has been with my household for the last 3 years betrayed that trust a few days ago.  Many of us might say, no problem, move on - she is just a maid.  True, she is just a maid but she saw my boy grow up for the last 3 years and actually did her job well.  My kids are quite fond of her, my parents have grown to trust her and she is a welcome help to my family.

Last saturday, when we returned from our trip from Hainan (she went on trip with us), I received a call for her from Indonesia.  I called her to the phone - she took some time as she was helping to unpack and clean, but after she had spoken for about only 15 secs, she dropped the phone and broke down crying. I asked her what was wrong and amidst her tears, she told me that her husband had died in a bus accident in Indonesia and her son who was traveling with her hubby was in hospital.  I called my wife and she comforted my maid and held her hands to give her strength.  We told our maid that we would do everything within our means to help her.  I went on the Internet, checked out the earliest flight back to Jarkata (turned out to be SQ and not Tiger Airways) and with her agreement booked that SQ flight for her to go back in time to be with her family.  My kids were at the airport on Sunday to see her home - there was tears but then she had to be back with her family.

To cut the long story short, all this was all a hoax!  The husband did not die and the son is well.  In fact, when I called her home in Indonesia and asked her family member "how was her husband?", her husband came mistakenly to the phone and spoke to me. While I was disappointed and felt betrayed, my wife was devastated this has turned up to be one of the biggest hoax. She could have told us that she wanted to go home and we would have still let her.  Why did she lie?

Suddenly left without a domestic help and with my wife, parents and kids taken ill, it was really hard for the whole family.  Naturally, I chipped in doing the bathing of the kids, preparing their milk, packing the bags before we go out, making the beds, folding the clothes, cleaning up the vomit, etc etc etc.  I do not begrudge doing these tasks, in fact I think I do them quite well.  But, with everything that went on, the priority was keeping the peace at home.

Faith and trust in people took a beating.  I was mentally tired out. At times I thought to myself, I should be less trusting and perhaps even be "nasty" but realises deep down that to do so would be wrong.  Even so, I was not able to really rise beyond what I had experienced - the betrayal and lie.

I was on facebook this evening, when I spotted one of my friend Josephine Xu posting a Youtube video of Whitney Houston singing her new song "I look to you".  Whitney was my favourite singer until she was lost to drugs.  The song was beautiful and brought me to remember again that when we are weak - as I was, we can "look up" and draw strength.  I listened to this song 3 times and at the last time, my eldest daughter stepped into my room and I shared the song with lyrics with her.  As I listened to the song with her, I know I have the answer to the question that she asked me in the afternoon, "how should I feel towards auntie? I know she did not do a nice thing but she did take care of us..."

I am no longer disappointed, I am no longer angry with my maid.  In doing so, I have experienced rest and closure.  My faith is back and I can be more trusting again.  I Look to You...

Here are the lyrics of the song "I look to you" so that you can enjoy as well

As I lay me down
Heaven hear me now
After giving it my all
I’m lost without a cause
After giving it my all

Winter’s storm has come
And darkened my sun
After all that I’ve been through
Who on earth can I turn to

I look to you
I look to you

After all my strength is gone
In you I can be strong

I look to you
I look to you

And when melodies are gone
In you I hear a song
I look to you

About to lose my breathe
There’s no more fighting left
Sinking to rise no more
Searching for that open door
www.musicloversgroup.com
And every road that I’ve taken
Lead my regret
And I don’t know if I’m going to make it
Nothing to do but lift my head

I look to you
I look to you

And when my strength is gone
In you I can be strong

I look to you
I look to you

And when melodies are gone
In you I hear a song
I look to you

My levees are broken
My walls have come
Tumbling down on me
The rain is falling
Defeat is calling
I need you to set me free
Take me far away from the battle
I need you
Shine on me

I look to you
I look to you

After all my strength is gone
In you I can be strong

I look to you
I look to you

And when melodies are gone
In you I hear a song
I look to you
I look to you
I look to you

What can we learn from the Tiger Wood?

The front page of the Straits Times today carried a feature about Tiger Wood taking time off golf to heal his family relationship.  I had been away from Singapore for the last 10 days visiting my ancestral home in Hainan Island and have not kept up with news.  Before leaving on my trip, I remembered the news about his driving incident and the world was buzzing about why it happened.

I read the news with a tinge of disappointment.  I asked myself why would a man with such success come to possible ruin due to such foolish judgement and actions?  I remembered too that when the news broke, he vehemently denied any marital problems and extra-marital relationships.  But, now he confirmed the problems.

Tiger Wood is a brand name - some may even say an "organisation" unto itself, with "revenues" of over US$100 per year in terms of sports endorsement.  Fans, perhaps expected him to be more transparent when the news broke, and through their loyalty, forgive him.  Because he denied and later confirmed the problems, his following may take a beating and could take time for him to recover.

On the same day, Salma Khalik wrote an article asking healthcare institutions to be more transparent about their mistakes so that individually and collectively as a system we can improve.  I agree.  Taking reference from the Tiger Wood "fiasco" (even though direct comparison is incompatible), transparency and sincerity about the mistakes we make would be key to patient (or fan) confidence.  Particularly in healthcare where there is information asymmetry, transparency becomes even more important.  Patients rely on healthcare professionals to "do the right thing for them" because many times they don't know better.  Healthcare institutions should honour that trust by being forthright when things go wrong, apologise with sincerity, and do their best to "make it right" to the patient.  The recent chemotherapy incident at KKH provided an excellent example in this regard.  Not surprisingly, the patients and families involved in the incident have been forgiving.

To err is human, to forgive divine.  For forgiveness to take place when mistakes happen, transparency and sincerity seems to be 2 key ingredients for individuals and organisations to put into action quickly.  Doing the right thing will always be the right thing to do.

Take this prescription daily

All of us need this, so take a healthy dose daily...


Enjoy the meaning of this song "Because you loved me" beautifully sung by Celine Dion


For all those times you stood by me
For all the truth that you made me see
For all the joy you brought to my life
For all the wrong that you made right
For every dream you made come true
For all the love I found in you
I'll be forever thankful baby
You're the one who held me up
Never let me fall
You're the one who saw me through through it all


You were my strength when I was weak
You were my voice when I couldn't speak
You were my eyes when I couldn't see
You saw the best there was in me
Lifted me up when I couldn't reach
You gave me faith 'coz you believed
I'm everything I am
Because you loved me


You gave me wings and made me fly
You touched my hand I could touch the sky
I lost my faith, you gave it back to me
You said no star was out of reach
You stood by me and I stood tall
I had your love I had it all
I'm grateful for each day you gave me
Maybe I don't know that much
But I know this much is true
I was blessed because I was loved by you


You were my strength when I was weak
You were my voice when I couldn't speak
You were my eyes when I couldn't see
You saw the best there was in me
Lifted me up when I couldn't reach
You gave me faith 'coz you believed
I'm everything I am
Because you loved me


You were always there for me
The tender wind that carried me
A light in the dark shining your love into my life
You've been my inspiration
Through the lies you were the truth
My world is a better place because of you


You were my strength when I was weak
You were my voice when I couldn't speak
You were my eyes when I couldn't see
You saw the best there was in me
Lifted me up when I couldn't reach
You gave me faith 'coz you believed
I'm everything I am
Because you loved me


I'm everything I am
Because you loved me

This is a healthcare joke that got circulated.  It sounds ludicrous but true...

A woman brought a very limp duck to a veterinary surgeon.
As she laid her pet on the table, the vet pulled out his stethoscope and listened to the bird’s chest.
After a moment or two, the vet shook his head sadly and said, “I’m sorry, your duck, Cuddles, has passed away.”


The distressed woman wailed, “Are you sure?”
“Yes, I am sure. Your duck is dead,” replied the vet.
“How can you be so sure?” she protested. 
“I mean you haven’t done any testing on him or anything. He might just be in a coma or something.”


The vet rolled his eyes, turned around, and left the room.
He returned a few minutes later with a black Labrador Retriever.
As the duck’s owner looked on in amazement, the dog stood on his hind legs, put his front
paws on the examination table and sniffed the duck from top to bottom. He then looked up at the vet with sad eyes and shook his head. The vet patted the dog on the head and took it out of the room.

A few minutes later he returned with a cat. The cat jumped on the table and also delicately
sniffed the bird from head to foot. The cat sat back on its haunches, shook its head, meowed softly, and strolled out of the room.


The vet looked at the woman and said, “I’m sorry, but as I said, this is most definitely, 100%
certifiably, a dead duck.”

The vet turned to his computer terminal, hit a few keys, and produced a bill, which he handed to the woman.
The duck’s owner, still in shock, took the bill. “$150!” she cried, “$150 just to tell me my duck is dead!” 
The vet shrugged, “I’m sorry. If you had just taken my word for it, the bill would have been $20, but with the Lab Report and the Cat Scan, it’s now $150.” 

Learning from Bumrungrad Hospital

JGH Chairman Medical Board Prof Cheah WK taking notes of observations

The hospital planning team members asking lots of questions of our host

Unit Dose packing from Inpatient Pharmacy Automation deployment

at Bumrungrad to improve medication safety

The "ring" of medication for each patient

Work for the planning of the new Jurong General Hospital (JGH) has started a few months ago. In order to incorporate some of the best designs to improve patient experience/ safety and operational efficiency, we have set out to learn from the experiences of other hospitals in Singapore and overseas.

One hospital that we visited on Monday this week was Bumrungrad Hospital in Bangkok. They've recently completed a new outpatient building and incorporated flexible modular design at their clinics that would allow the facility to match the growth of clinical services workload - something that JGH was keen to find out.

As we walked around the hospital, one of the things that quickly struck the JGH team was how "calm and peaceful" their outpatient clinic setting was even though they were seeing some 3000 patients every day - more than some of Singapore public hospitals. A conversation with their Group CEO revealed careful planning with an eye for operational efficiency, crowd separation to various floors with deployment of technology to ensure one-stop service (eg. medication orders are routed by system to the pharmacy directly, medication prepared and sent back to the clinic floor by pneumatic tube system within minutes, and pharmacist will dispense to patient after payment), and intelligent queue management as critical success factors. All of these are very helpful in our planning for JGH.

Attention to details is evident throughout the hospital. Rubberised keyboards to facilitate cleaning are used in patient's room. Privacy curtains are neatly tucked behind a wall panel to present an uncluttered and restful space. Semi-automatic sliding doors are used at clinic consultation rooms to ensure minimal effort by nurses while gentle enough so that they do not produce any noise when they are shut tight. Integrated deployment of IT to achieve real-time visibility of a patient's journey and condition and others are just some of the many learning the JGH team brought home with us.

We were also quite amused that Bumrungrad hospital takes a picture of their patient during registration at the clinic. While walking through the clinic, we realised why is it important. Instead of calling patient by name or by their queue number, staff would look out for the patient based on their photo at the waiting area and usher him/ her into the consult room. How interesting?

Overall, we had a fantastic few hours of learning at Bumrungrad Hospital and awed by the hospitality of our hosts. The day trip was indeed worth it - not to mention the delicious Thai food that we managed to savour while waiting for our flight at the airport!

How to mess up without even trying!

My team recently visited a brand new hospital in the US, reconstructed with many hundred of millions of dollars after an earthquake. Even though there were many things that we could learn from the hospital, I was distracted.

I was distracted because I was disappointed by the lack of ownership and lack of attention to details by staff members throughout the hospital. They carelessly plaster signs on the wall, leave trash along the corridor and left random scratches on the walls as they moved supplies through the corridors.

As a result, even though the hospital is very new, it looks old, worn and shabby. What a waste! I also observed that staff of the hospital did not even try to correct the problems that have become so obvious. Perhaps, they told themselves, "if my colleagues don't care, why should I?"- worst still "if my bosses don't care, why should I?"

My team and I are currently planning the new Jurong General Hospital. What I saw in the US cannot, must not and will not repeat in JGH. I am creating this expectation now.

In the moment that you think you can't, you'll discover that you can... that's the power of the DREAM

The Power of the Dream was the theme song of the 1996 Olympics at Atlanta.

That year, I was in the US pursuing my MBA, but sadly what I could remember of the Olympics was the bombing that took place. I missed the significance and the magic of this song that was sung at the opening by Celine Dion and at the closing by a 10th grader and hundreds of other students.

Tonight, on Facebook I was introduced to this song again. I listened to it twice and peered into the lyrics and found it so powerful. I especially liked this

"There's so much strength in all of us

Every woman child and man

It's the moment that you think you can't

You'll discover that you can"

There are many moments that we think we can't, people others around us say we can't but where we hold a dream, it's like what the song says "you'll discover that you can!!"

As I am writing this note, my daughter Brittney came into my room and I introduced her to this song using a video clip of celine dion's performance on Youtube. As we followed the lyrics of the song, I told her that if she has a dream of who she wants to be, she'll discover that she can. She looked me in the eye and said "Yes!" ... a moment that money cannot buy!

I am also personally encouraged by this song. The journey to set up Jurong General Hospital (JGH) is both exciting and daunting. Our vision is to create a new future for Singapore healthcare from ground up - new infrastructure, new people, new culture - to care for our Patients. There are many who said (and continue to say) that this is hard, and sometimes we too think that it is hard. BUT, guided by the possibility of co-creating a new future, our team of pioneers keep holding to our DREAM, and we will discover that we CAN!!

For the rest of us, it is my wish that your dream too will come true because you choose to believe in the strength of "I Can!" and the "One thing" that matters!

Enjoy the full lyrics of this song...

Deep within each heart
There lies a magic spark
That lights the fire of our imagination
And since the dawn of man
The strenght of just "I can"
Has brought together people of all nations

There’s nothing ordinary
In the living of each day
There’s a special part
Every one of us will play

Feel the flame forever burn
Teaching lessons we must learn
To bring us closer to the power of the dream
As the world gives us its best
To stand apart from all the rest
It is the power of the dream that brings us here

Your mind will take you far
The rest is just pure heart
You’ll find your fate is all your own creation
Every boy and girl
As they come into this world
They bring the gift of hope and inspiration

Feel the flame forever burn
Teaching lessons we must learn
To bring us closer to the power of the dream
The world unites in hope and peace
We pray that it will always be
It is the power of the dream that brings us here

There’s so much strength in all of us
Every woman child and man
It’s the moment that you think you can’t
You’ll discover that you can

Feel the flame forever burn
Teaching lessons we must learn
To bring us closer to the power of the dream
The world unites in hope and peace
We pray that it will always be
It is the power of the dream that brings us here

Feel the flame forever burn
Teaching lessons we must learn
To bring us closer to the power of the dream
The world unites in hope and peace
We pray that it will always be
It is the power of the dream that brings us

The power of the dream
The faith in things unseen
The courage to embrace your fear
No matter where you are
To reach for your own star
To realize the power of the dream
To realize the power of the dream

Investment Tips or Hypes?

I was clearing my mounting pile of mails and came across a newsletter from a local bank on investment.

The key message is: Time and NOT timing is key to successful long term investing

The article carried a chart of the MSCI Work Index and the impact on the index by missing the 30 best days each year. Through peaks and troughs, it is clear that missing out on 30 best days can be detrimental to the overall portfolio value.

The ride can be bumpy and sometimes is hard to stay the course, although the logic is clear.

What would be good investment strategy if time and not timing is key?

Reunion with the Principal who gave me a 2nd chance...

Today, after 25 years, I met up with Mr Rudy Mosbergen, the ex-RJC Principal who gave me a second chance and changed the trajectory of my life.

I am indeed thankful to my ex-colleague from SGH Mumtaj who helped made the connection through a friend of a friend who knew Mr Mosbergen's son Nigel.

It was a simple reunion today at the Delifrance of the Toa Payoh HDB Hub. I ordered a Coke-lite and a tuna puff for Mr Mosbergen and I took a regular coke. I was so happy to see Mr Mosbergen and I could tell he was happy to meet me as well. He showed me a print-out of the tribute to him that I wrote in my Teacher's Day blog in 2008, and he said he underlined the most important things in there. I took a look at the printout and found out that he highlighted in blue the following:

(a) His favourite quotes to students "The mind is a terrible thing to waste"

(b) My name

(c) ...that I am the CEO of Jurong General Hospital.

We shared anecdotes of our lives over the last 25 years. Before we departed, he handed a copy of his book "In the Grip of a Crisis" which he personally autographed. It was at that time that I realised that he is much more than most would know - he is not only an author but also a songwriter, and an ex-national olympian in hockey.

I gave him a little token in crystal of a nurturing bird looking after a younger bird. On it I engraved the words "Specially Dedicated to Mr Rudy Mosbergen, Ex-RJC Principal...Because you gave me a second chance, I could be who I am today...Foo Hee Jug RJC Class of 1984".

Let's give others a second chance, you never know the kind of impact it can mean to them...

Lonely...

A forgotten banana left perched on top of an office cabinet.

This could be the result of chinese/ asian culture of not taking the last so that others can have it. But when everyone leaves it for another, the result could be a wasted banana like the one in the photo.

Nice pic isn't it?

Other signs from my trip to Shanghai

Useless and funny signs...

This is a sign at the lift lobby of a major shopping centre. Notice how useful is this sign. Anyone looking at this sign will know exactly where they are without which we will all be lost! Thank god for such a sign.

This is a sign at a pet shop. Owner must be angry because even when you cooperate by not "trying" to put your hand in, he is only giving you a "singular" "Thank"...perhaps "You" is missing?

Not sure whether this sign says "NO! Hand Touching" or "NO Hand Touching!" or ......

Papaya in bloom

I only realised recently that Papaya trees are either "male" and "female".

The female tree bears fruits while the male don't. When my father discovered this, he propagated a whole bunch of papaya trees in my garden and some are already beginning to bear fruits. The hard reality is that the male papaya trees are quickly disposed off.

Lessons from the toilet

There is a popular toilet slogan..."We aim to please, You aim too, please"

One can tell from the level of hygiene is some toilets that aiming need more work. The amount of splatter on the floor shows that while it is easy to assume that people can aim when you tell them to, some people simply need help to focus their aim.

At Singapore's Changi International Airport Terminal 3, the management takes aiming into their own hands. In their urinal is strategically imprinted the shape of a fly (see picture above). All the user has to do is to aim his stream at the "fly" and voilla! the aim is complete! It is almost natural to do so as they have cleverly used the picture of a common enemy (the fly) for the aim. Had they used a picture of a sweet, a flower, etc it would have been less effective.

More developers can take note of this simple innovation. There is a high chance that you will find this implemented in a new hospital.

Symbolism

This is my first green, perched on my desk at Jurong General Hospital interim office at Alexandra Hospital.

It is a Money Plant. I chose this plant among many for a few symbolic reasons.

1. It has a beautiful form - it symbolises a beautiful hospital set to rise in the west

2. It has many young leaves - it symbolises the youthful nature of the hospital with many energetic staff who are ready to soar and break new grounds

3. It has strong and healthy trunk and leaves - it symbolises an organisation with strong values

4. It has branches and leaves that are spread evenly in all direction - it symbolises an openness that allows us to seek to learn from all even as we improve

Watch the hospital grow...

There is hope!

This evening, I attended the 2009 MOH Health Sciences Scholarship Ceremony.

37 scholars were selected from an original applicant group of more than 2000. They will soon head to local and overseas university to pursue their course of study in Pharmacy, Podiatry, Physiotherapy, Occupational Therapy, Dietetics and Social Work.

They took the Health Sciences Scholar Pledge and went on to put on a most impressive performance, culminating in a touching segment where every scholar had a statement on their individual goals for the patient set against Michael Jackson's "Heal The World" song.

As I watch each statement flashed across the screen, I am encouraged that each of the scholars has a dream larger than themselves and wants to make a difference to the patient and to the society.

There is hope when our bright and young have such ideals and aspirations.

I wish them well and success in their studies. May they come back and help make the world a better place.

Jurong General Hospital Project Initiation Workshop

Our Facilitator Roy Barton

Active Participation

Crafting the Charter and Project Values

Intense deliberations on how we word the charter

The JGH Project Charter with ALL our Signatures

Hospital planning for Jurong General Hospital has gone the next level with the conclusion of the Project Initiation Workshop today.

The JGH core team, partner from St Luke's, winning consultants, LTA, URA, MHA and PMlink spent the last 2 days discussing how to work together over the next 5 years to build a integrated patient-centred healthcare facility in Jurong to benefit the community in the west.

The session concluded on a high note with a commitment to the Project Charter that we developed together with all participants putting on their signatures.

Here is where the interesting development work starts and I could tell that everyone is very excited about this creation that we are embarking on.

JGH's plans for Integrated Care

The Straits Times and Zao Bao carried news about Jurong General Hospital's plans to integrate care for Singaporeans. JGH will partner St Luke's in an integrated development at a 5.5 ha plot at Jurong East Street 21 (in front of IMM).

Do read the articles to find out more...

Straits Times article (Note that the photo in this article is different from the one in print news)

Zao Bao Article

2 Brains better than 1...

Today, I heard many no-brainers or motherhood statements such as "If you don't know something, it does not mean it does not exist", "AND is better than OR", "you can have the things that you are passionate about", "yes or yes", "you can do it, if others can do it"...

Many of these we know when know, and quite often we don't know what we don't know, until we know. And when we do know, we sometimes ask ourselves since we do know, why does it take reminding for us to practice it?

Here is where 2 brains are better than 1. We need each other to help remind us of the things that are important. The act of "bringing things from the back of our mind (knowledge), to the front of our mind (ie consciousness)" is key to putting into practice what we already know. That's why sometimes, we pay others to tell us the time from our own watch.

It is ok sometimes to marvel at the obvious. Even commonsense can be uncommon sense.

Enjoy the rest of the weekend!

Delivering bad news to patients, it is about bringing comfort not cure

This is an interesting article from the NY Times.

Delivering bad news to a patient when the prognosis is not good is hard, but needs to be done sensitively and doing it well will go a long way for the patient.

The Summo piggy

When I was with SGH, I bought a summo piggy bank as part of fun raising for needy patients.

Just 2 Sundays ago, it was filled to its brim with loose change that I've deposited into the summo daily. So, I brought it to the DBS Bank at Serangoon Gardens where there is a coin counting machine to deposit the amount into my children's account. If you have not tried it before, it is actually quite a thrilling experience - digging the coins out from the little summo and hearing the machine counting - almost like a jackpot machine experience, except possibly in reverse.

The picture shows me waiting for my wife with the little summo by my side before we commenced the exercise of depositing the coins with the bank. The Cisco guard who was pacing up and down at the front of the bank could not hold his grin.

Loose change can count for quite a bit, as you can see...

Proud to be a Singaporean!

I attended my first National Day Rally tonight (Seat H33), and heard first hand PM Lee Hsien Loong's speech.

I am proud of how Singapore has become over the last 50 years, and am extremely excited about how Jurong General Hospital will play a key role in shaping Singapore healthcare to meet the challenges of an aging population. Fast medicine integrating with slow medicine, working together as a system to best meet the healthcare needs of every individuals.

Sometimes we need to slow down to go faster...

This is a lesson while heading out to breakfast this morning with my wife.

The vehicle in front of us was road hogging. Instead of sounding the horn, flashing our headlights and perhaps stretching our arms and fingers for the morning exercise, my wife decided that she will switch lanes and overtake the road-hogger. As she signaled her intentions, cars started to speed up - does this sound familiar? Her natural instinct was to speed up so that her chance of changing lanes would be higher, but all the same, cars on the other lane refused to give way.

So, I told my wife, "why don't you slow down, let the cars go by and then switch lane?" Guess what? It worked. Soon, we were tucking in on our saturday morning noodles accompanied by our kopi-o.

It is a paradox but true beyond the roads that "sometime we need to slow down in order to speed up."

Does Mickey Mouse has a lesson for improving patient experience?

The purist will say no. Healthcare is professional business! Mickey mouse...well...is just mickey mouse. Blasphemy! to even suggest that...

There is a book "If Disney Ran your Hospital" by Fred Lee that one of my new colleague from JGH just reminded me today that says just that.

Go ahead, read it and you will find useful lessons. Otherwise read this summary.

An unexpected moment of friendship and inspiration

Today, for some strange reasons, I turned up at 1pm for a meeting at the Outram Campus that was scheduled for 2pm. Quite unexpectedly, the ex-matron of SNEC also turned up for the same meeting also thinking that the time of the meeting was 1pm. The meeting room was obviously empty except for the 2 of us. Since we have not met for quite a while since I left SGH, we decided to just chat.

The next 1 hour was inspiring. Past retirement age already, she decided to continue to serve. It was clear to me that she wanted to continue to nurture the next generation of nurses with her presence and experience. She spoke about the time when she trained nurses in her younger days. She said, "I did not just train nurses just for eye centre but for Singapore". She went on to talk the need to learn from each other and the need to be generous with knowledge and with each other. She said, "when I have something that you need, I should share it. When you use it, you will improve on it, and later on when I need it, I would have something better in return". How enlightened a person.

I enjoyed the conversation and was energised by the unexpected moment of friendship and inspiration.

There are many great people in Singapore public healthcare system. That's why it feels so good to serve!

Don't Gossip!

It pays to pay attention. Otherwise don't gossip :-)

A lesson in patience, calmness and thinking out of the box

On saturday, I brought my daughter Melody to the Kids Farm at Pasir Ris to catch "lokang" fish. The task is quite simple, pay $4.50 for your child, bring along a small net and pail and head to a small shallow meandering pond (see picture) and start catching as many small fishes swimming in the pond with the small net.

The catch is, the task looks simple but is actually quite difficult if we approach it in the most obvious way - eye the fishes, move towards them, lower the net to scoop them up. Wrong! The fishes are extremely agile, swims quickly, switch direction when you do, hide under the bridge, play hide an seek around big stones introduced in the pond and take refuge amidst turbulent water generated by water features.

This is my second attempt at this pond and I must admit it was hard work and a great work-out with very little yield in terms of catch. The more frantic my children and I were in chasing and randomly scooping after the fishes, the more futile our attempts. The more impatient we became to net the fishes the worst our outcome. Often times, we caught the sickly fishes who were too traumatised by the chase and they die soon after - lousy catch.

During this visit, I was determined to calibrate our approach. I thought to myself that there must be a better way to catch the fishes. I did not rushed in to chase after the fishes as I did before. This time I spent time to watch the behavior of the fishes - where do they congregate, what were the group behavior of the school of fishes when others were trying to net them, etc. I realised that the fishes often swim near the surface of the water when they are trying to escape from a catch, and they congregate in big numbers in a sense of safety under the bubbles of the water features in the pond. Hence, the best way to net them is at the water feature with a swift scoup of the net from bottom up.

With calmness, I would position myself at various water feature and with each swift scoup I would land 2-3 fishes in my net. In the process, I caught many fishes for my kids. Melody on her own too, managed a few. It was a harvest and my kids were extremely pleased.

The moral of the story: more haste, less speed. It is useful to be patient, be calm and think out of the box - the results may be better. From the perspective of the fishes - where you think it would be the safest, it can be the most dangerous!

Love Life, Live Life, Enjoy Life and don't be robbed of Life

This is a random email that I received...Good enough for me to share so that we may enjoy life with our loved ones...

===========================================

A story worth reading and taken as example in life.... dont lose the
moments in life just because of a small quarrel...

This is long but worth reading and is a true story ... you may have
received it... but it is worth to be reminded of it again.

WHAT GRUDGES CAN DO....

This is for all the single, married, divorced, separated, widowed
individuals, who take life for granted. Please I BEG YOU, read this
story until the end, it is such an opener. You will never
know.........................!

Just two years after our marriage, hubby brought up the idea of asking
Mother to move from the rural hometown and spend her remaining years
with us. Hubby's father passed away while he was still very young.

Mother endured much hardship and struggled all on her own to provide
for him, see him through to a university degree. You could say that
she suffered a great deal and did everything you could expect of a
woman to bring hubby to where he is today.

I immediately agreed and started packing the spare room, which has a
balcony facing the South to let her enjoy the sunshine and plant
greenery. Hubby stood in the bright room, and suddenly just picked me
up and started spinning round and round. As I begged him to put me
down, he said: "Lets go fetch mother." Hubby is tall and big sized and
I love to rest on his chest and enjoy the feeling that he could pick
me up at any moment put the tiny me into his pockets.

Whenever we have an argument and both refuses to back down, he would
pick me up and spin me over his head continuously until I surrender
and beg for mercy. I became addicted to this kind of panic-joy
feeling.

Mother brought along her countryside habits and lifestyle with her.

For example; I am so used to buying flowers to decorate the living
room, she could not stand it and would comment: "I do not know how you
young people spend your money, why do you buy flowers for? You also
can't eat flowers!" I smiled and said: "Mum, with flowers in the
house, our mood will also become better." Mother continues to grumble
away, and hubby smiled: "Mum, this is a city-people's habit; slowly
you will get use to it."

Mother stopped saying anything. But every time thereafter, whenever I
came home with flowers, she would ask me how much it costs. I told her
and she would shake her head and express displeasure.

Sometimes, when I come home with lots of shopping bags, she would ask
each and every item how much they cost, I would tell her honestly and
she would get even more upset about it. Hubby playfully pinched my
nose and said: "You little fool, just don't tell her the full price of
everything would solve it."

There begins the friction to our otherwise happy lifestyle.

Mother hates it most when hubby wakes up early to prepare the
breakfast. In your view, how could the man of the house cook for the
wife? At the breakfast table, mother facial expression is always like
the dark clouds before a thunderstorm and I would pretend not to
notice. She would use her chopsticks and make a lot of noise with it
as her silent protest.

As I am a dance teacher in the Children's Palace and am exhausted from
a long day of dancing around, I do not wish to give up the luxury of
that additional few minutes in the comfort of my bed and hence I
turned a deaf ear to all the protest mother makes.

From time to time, mother would help out with some housework, but soon
her help created additional work for me. For example: she would keep
all kinds of plastic bags accumulating them so that she sell them
later on, and resulted in our house being filled with all the trash
bags; she would scrimp on dish washing detergent when helping to wash
the dishes and so as not to hurt her feelings, I would quietly wash
them again.

One day, late at night, mother saw me quietly washing the dishes, and
"Bam" she slams her bedroom door and cried very loudly in her room.
Hubby was placed in a difficult position, and after that, he did not
speak to me for that entire night.

I pretended to be a spoilt child, tried acting cute, but he totally
ignored me.... I got mad and asked him:
"What did I do wrong?" Hubby stared at me and said: "Can't you just
give in to her once? We couldn't possibly die eating from a bowl
however unclean it is, right?" After that incident, for a long period
of time, mother did not speak to me and you can feel that there is a
very awkward feeling hanging in the house. During that period of cold
war, hubby was caught in dilemma as to who to please.

In order to stop her son from having to prepare breakfast, mother took
on the "all important" task of preparing breakfast without any
prompting. At the breakfast table, mother would look at hubby happily
eating his breakfast and cast that reprimanding stare at me for having
failed to perform my duty as a wife. To avoid the embarrassing
breakfast situation, I resorted to buying my own breakfast on my way
to work.

That night, while in bed, hubby was a little upset and asked me: "LD,
is it because you think that mum's cooking is not clean that's why you
chose not to eat at home?" He then turned his back on me and left me
alone in tears as feeling of unfairness overwhelmed me. After some
time, hubby sighed: "LD, just for me, can you have breakfast at home?"
I am left with no choice but to return to the breakfast table.

The next morning, I was having porridge prepared by mother and I felt
a sudden churn in my stomach and everything inside seem to be rushing
up my throat. I tried to suppress the urge to throw up but I could
not. I threw down the bowl, rushed into the washroom, and vomited
everything out.

Just as I was catching my breath, I saw mother crying and grumbling
very loudly in her dialect, hubby was standing at the washroom doorway
staring at me with fire burning in his eyes.. I opened my mouth but no
words came out of it, I really did not mean it.

We had our very first big fight that day; mother took a look at us,
then stood up and slowly made her way out of the house. Hubby gave me
a final stare in the eye and followed mother down the stairs. For
three days, hubby did not return home, not even a phone call.

I was so furious, since mother arrived; I had been trying my best and
putting up with her, what else do you want me to do? For no reason, I
keep having the feeling to throw up and I simply have not appetite for
food, coupled with all the events happening at home, I was at then low
point in my life.

Finally, a colleague said: "LD, you look terrible; you should go and
see a doctor." The doctor confirmed that I am pregnant.
Now it became clear to me why I threw up that fateful morning, a sense
of sadness floated through that otherwise happy news. Why didn't
hubby, and mother who had been through this before, thought of the
possibility of this being the reason that day?

At the hospital entrance, I saw my hubby standing there. It had only
been three days, but he looked haggard. I had wanted to turn and
leave, but one look at him and my heart soften, I couldn't resist and
called out to him. He followed my voice and finally found me but he
pretended that he doesn't know me; he has that disgusted look in his
eyes that cut right through my heart. I told myself not to look at him
anymore, and hail a cab.

At that moment, I have such a strong urge inside me to shout to my
hubby: "Darling, I am having your baby!" and have him lift me up and
spin me around in circles of joy. What I wanted didn't happen and as I
sat in the cab, my tears started rolling down. Why? Why our love
couldn't even withstand the test of one fight?

Back home, I lay on the bed thinking about my hubby, and the disgusted
look in his eyes. I cried and wet the corner of the blanket. That
night, sound of the drawers opening woke me up. I switched on the
lights and I saw hubby with tears rolling down his face. He was
removing the money. I stared at him in silence; he ignored me, took
the bank deposit book and some money and left the house.

Maybe he really intends to leave me for good.. What a rational man, so
clear-cut in love and money matters. I gave a few dried laugh and
tears starting streaming down again. The next day, I did not go to
work. I wanted to clear this out and have a good talk with hubby. I
reached his office and his secretary gave me a weird look and said:
"Mr. Tan's mother had a traffic accident and is now in the hospital."

I stood there in shock. I rushed to the hospital and by the time I
found hubby, mother had already passed away. Hubby did not look at me,
his face was expressionless. I looked at mother's pale white and thin
face and I couldn't control the tears in my eyes. My God, how could
this happen?

Throughout the funeral, hubby did not say a single word to me, with
only the occasional disgusted stare at me. I only managed to find out
brief facts about the accident from other people. That day, after
mother left the house, she walked in dazed toward the bus stop,
apparently intending to go back to her old house back in the
countryside.

As hubby ran after her, she tried to walk faster and as she tried to
cross the street, a public bus came and hit her... I finally
understood how much hubby must hate me, if I had not thrown up that
morning, if we had not quarreled, if....In his heart, I am indirectly
the killer of his mother..

Hubby moved into mother's room and came home every night with a strong
liquor smell on him. And me, I am buried under the guilt and self-pity
and could hardly breathe. I wanted to explain to him, tell him that we
are going to have our baby soon, but each time, I saw the dead look in
his eyes, all the words I have at the brink of my mouth just fell back
in.

I had rather he hit me real hard or give me a big and thorough
scolding though none of these events happening had been my fault at
all. Many days of suffocating silence went by and as the days went by,
hubby came home later and later. The deadlock between us continues, we
were living together like strangers who don't know each other. I am
like the dead knot in his heart.

One day, I passed by a western restaurant, looking into the glass
window, I saw hubby and a girl sitting facing each other and he very
lightly brushed her hair for her, I understood what it meant. After
recovering from that moment of shock, I entered the restaurant, stood
in front of my hubby and stared hard at him, not a tear in my eyes. I
have nothing to say to him, and there is no need to say anything. The
girl looked at me, looks at hubby, stands up and wanted to go, hubby
stretched out his hand and stopped her. He stared back at me,
challenging me. I can only hear my slow heart beat, beating, one by
one as if at the brink of death.

I eventually backed down, if I had stood that any longer, I will
collapse together with the baby inside me.. That night, he did not
come home; he had chosen to use that as a way to indicate to me:
Following mother's death so did our love for each other...

He did not come home anymore after that. Sometimes, when I returned
home from work, I can tell that the cupboard had been touched - he had
returned to take some of his stuff. I no longer wish to call him; the
initial desire to explain everything to him vanished.

I lived alone; I go for my medical checkups alone, my heart breaks
again and again every time I see a guy carefully helping his wife
through the physical examination. My office colleagues hinted to me to
consider aborting the baby, I told them No, I will not.. I insisted on
having to this baby, perhaps it is my way of repaying mother for
causing her death.

One day, I came home and I saw hubby sitting in the living room. The
whole house was filled with cigarette smoke. On the coffee table,
there was this piece of paper. I know what it is all about without
even looking at it. In the two months plus of living alone, I have
gradually learned to find peace within myself. I looked at him,
removed my hat and said: "You wait a while, I will sign." He looked at
me, mixed feelings in his eyes, just like mine.

As I hang up my coat, I keep repeating to myself "You cannot cry, you
cannot cry..." my eyes hurt terribly, but I refused to let tears come
out from there.
After I hung up my coat, hubby's eyes stared fixed at my bulging
tummy. I smiled, walked over to the coffee table and pulled the paper
towards me. Without even looking at what it says, I signed my name on
it and pushed the paper to him. "LD, are you pregnant?" Since mother's
accident, this is the first time he spoke to me. I could not control
my tears any further and they fell like raindrops. I said: "Yes, but
its ok, you can leave now." He did not go, in the dark, we sat, facing
each other.

Hubby slowly moved over me, his tears wet the blanket. In my heart,
everything seems so far away, so far that even if I sprint, I could
never reach them. I cannot remember how many times he repeated "sorry"
to me. I had originally thought that I would forgive him, but now I
can't. In the western restaurant, in front of that girl, that cold
look in his eyes, I will never forget, ever.

We have drawn such deep scars in each other's heart. For me, it's
unintentional; for him, totally intentional. I had been waiting for
this moment of reconciliation, but I realized now, what had gone past
is gone forever and could not repeated.

Other than the thought of the baby inside me that would bring some
warmth to my heart, I am totally cold towards him, I no longer eat
anything he buys for me, I don't take any presents from him and I
stopped talking to him..

From the moment I signed on that piece of paper, marriage and love had
vanished from my heart. Sometimes, hubby will try to come into the
bedroom, but when he walks in, I will walk out to the living room.

He had no choice but to sleep in mother's room. At night, from his
room, I can hear light sounds of groaning, I kept quiet. This used to
be his trick; last time, whenever I ignore him, he would fake illness
and I will surrender and find out what is wrong with him, he would
then grab me and laugh.

He has forgotten that last time I cared for him and am concerned
because there was love, but now, what is there between us? Hubby's
groaning came on and off continuing but I continuously ignored him.

Almost everyday, he would buy something for the baby, infant products,
children products and books that kids like to read. Bags and bags of
it stacked inside his room till it is full. I know he is trying to use
this to reach out to me, but I am no longer moved by his actions. He
has no choice but to lock himself in his room and I can hear his
typing away on his computer keyboard, maybe he is now addicted to web
surfing but none of that matters to me anymore.

It was sometime towards the end of spring in the following year, one
late night, I screamed because of a sudden stomach pain, hubby came
rushing into the room, its like he did not change and sleep, and had
been waiting for this moment. He carried me and ran down the stairs,
stopped a car, holding my hand very tightly and kept wiping the sweat
off my brow, throughout the journey to the hospital.

Once we reached the hospital, he carried me and hurried into the
delivery suite. Lying on the back of his skinny but warmth body, a
thought crossed my mind: In my lifetime, who else would love me as
much as he did?

He held the delivery suite door opened and watch me go in; his warm
eyes caused me to manage a smile at him despite my contraction pain.
Coming out of the delivery room, hubby looked at our son and me, eyes
tear with joy and he kept smiling. I reached out and touched his hand.

Hubby looked at me, smiling and then he slowly collapsed onto the
floor. I cried out for him in pain... He smiled, but without opening
that tired eyes of his... I had thought that I would never shed any
tear for him, but the truth is, I have never felt a deeper pain
cutting through my body at that moment.

Doctor said that by the time hubby discovered he had liver cancer, it
was already in terminal stage and it was a miracle that he managed to
last this long. I asked the doctor when he first discovered he had
cancer. Doctor said about 5 months ago and consoled me saying:
"Prepare for his funeral."

I disregarded the nurse's objection and rushed home, I went into his
room and checked his computer, and a suffocating pain hits me.

Hubby's cancer was discovered 5 months ago, his groaning was real, and
I had thought that... the computer showed over 200 thousand words he
wrote for our son: "Son, just for you, I have persisted, to be able to
take a look at you before I fall, is my biggest wish now... I know
that in your life, you will have many happiness and maybe some
setbacks, if only I can accompany you throughout that journey, how
nice would it be. But daddy now no longer has that chance. Daddy has
written inside here all the possible difficulties and problems you may
encounter during your lifetime, when you meet with these problems, you
can refer to daddy's suggestion....

Son, after writing these 200 thousand words, I feel as if I have
accompanied you through life journey. To be honest, daddy is very
happy. Do love your mother, she has suffered, she is the one who loves
you most and also the one who loves me most..."

From play school to primary school, to secondary, university, to work
and even in dealing with questions of love, everything big and small
was written there..

Hubby has also written a letter for me:

"My dear, to marry you is my biggest happiness, forgive me for the
pain I have caused you, forgive me for not telling you my illness,
because I want to see you be in a joyful mood waiting for the arrival
of our baby...My dear, if you cried, it means that you have forgiven
me and I would smile, thank you for loving me...These presents, I'm
afraid I cannot give them to our son personally, could you help me to
give some of them to him every year, the dates on what to give when
are all written on the packaging... "

Going back to the hospital, hubby is still in coma. I brought our son
over and place him beside him. I said: "Open your eyes and smile, I
want our son to remember being in the warmth of your arms..." He
struggled to open his eyes and managed a weak smile. Our son still in
his arms was happily waving his tiny hands in the air. I press the
button on the camera and the sound of the shutter rang through the air
as tears slowly rolled down my face....

A fatal misunderstanding and the person who loves me the most in this
world is gone forever..."Cruel misunderstandings one after another
disrupted the blissful footsteps to our family. Our originals intend
of having Mother enjoy some quiet and peaceful moments in her
remaining years with us went terribly wrong as destiny's secret is
finally revealed at a price, every thing became too late.".........

This is a true story...
LEARNING POINT - DO NOT EVER HOLD ON TO OFFENCES!!!

I am totally speechless, this story brought tears to my eyes as I read
through each line eager to know what would happen next. It truly
showed the devastating power of grudges and anger!

Simple humility and communication would have resolved most of the
problems in that story, as well as patience....
This story has really touched my heart and life as a whole and it has
stimulated a paradigm shift.. Though it is very sad, it is also very
refreshing to know that from today, I can consciously start to live a
life free of grudge. People please let's live a life devoid of
grudges.

Communication with your loved ones is THE key.