Personally, married life and having 3 kids, has been the most gratifying achievement for me. However, it took me a while to be able to take in the full measure of the blessings that I have in FAMILY, to be frank (as I am writing this blog entry, now my 2-year old is crying in the background). In a sense, as I reflected on my own journey, I would say that the measures proposed by PM are finally addressing the right issues.
It took a while for my first child to arrive, not because we want to delay having a family but because it just did not happen. We waited 5 years before she was finally conceived in the US when I took leave to pursue my MBA/ MPH in Los Angeles, CA. Stress and the inverse correlation with fertility is now well understood, and it required that my wife and i take a break from busy Singapore to reverse it. We were lucky because the other options that we had contemplated ie IVF would have been beyond reach at that time of our lives. So, even though PM said that subsidy for IVF is a "small" thing in his speech, it will be of big help to yound couples willing to have kids but need "help".
When Brittney, my eldest daughter finally arrived, it was pure joy. In fact, it was so joyful we made "joy" part of her name Brittney Foo Joy-Anne. The sight of her emerging from her mother, her first cry and her every movement brought pride and joy to me (to my wife later because she was at the other end and could not see very well). The fact that I am now a father and responsible to see her to her future is something that is indescribable... Then reality hit me. Sleep became scarce, my baby did not follow a routine and had to be attended to even during the deepest "rapid eye movement" part of your sleep. My wife and i were both working and there were times that we both need to attend to important meetings and wished that there was good infant care. It was not only rare but expensive when you find it. Now PM's proposal on better and higher subsidy for childcare (I hope he included infant care as well) is again on the right track here!
Then come the issue of worklife balance and shared responsibilities at home. This is so hard. The truth is that we need to work damned hard in Singapore to make an above average contributions. To do your job well requires us to be totally committed and willing to make sacrifices, many times at the expense of family!
... You see, most men who most accustomed to doing and finishing one thing at a time, will find it very hard to adjust to this version of life. The need to regularly interupt one piece of work to do another, and then come back to try to continue only to be interupted by yet another need from another/ or the same child can be quite "trying". I personally find it very hard and hence "shared Responsibilities" can be very trying. This is because the needs at home with children is sometimes highly unpredictable. Just when you think that it is finally time to settle on something, a child will spill something, wet himself and fall off a chair. To have some sanity to both the husband and wife often requires another important pair of hands - that of a domestic help. In fact, one may argue that if you can afford it (and if the help don't fight with each other), having 2 domestic help may be ideal! Perhaps more govt subsidy for domestic maid will be helpful - something that I did not hear from PM's speech. Now for men, the way to be psychologically prepared for shared responsibility is to focus on the PRIZE (happy wife and kids well brought up). There again, I know i should do more at home, but have not done as much and hence am not a good role model. But I have said my peace.
All that I have said were my personal reflections after ONLY my first child! But fear not, here is where we have a steepest learning curve. After you have had the first, the second and third so much easier because we know what to expect :-) Still the effort is incremental and there is this ongoing concern that you have spent time with all 3 kids.
Next Matchmaking... PM said that Singaporeans need to get help when they need help. And in the "get-hitch" department, he will ensure that matchmaking agencies are "SDU-certified" so that the sleaze is tajen out and there is confidence that true help will be rendered. He also spoke about parents returning to the traditional role of matchmaking. Poor People's Association got the arrow to create areas where parents can meet to exchange photos of their children and contacts... "will this help with our youth these days...", lamented one of my colleagues? In all sincerity, I have become aware of "desperate" men and women wishing to be connected to potential partners and well meaning people like me will find it impossible to do anything to help! It is time the professionals come in! Of course, I liked PM's quote of "Marry the one that you love, and then love the one that you marry" not because it is deep but also because it sounds like the lyrics of a popular song "...are you going back to the one you love, or are you going back to the one who loves you..." - hard choices but one brings greater happiness than another and either could be right!
Of course, my wife appreciates the 4 additional weeks of extra maternity leave which may be flexibly taken throughout the year and the 6 days of child care leave (is this applicable to fathers too?!).
Overall, I feel that what's right about PM's speech on family and procreation tonight is the spirit that he has used to approach the topic - sincerity in respecting personal choices and recognising that practical realities must be addressed head-on from the heart and not from the mind.
All said, I have done my part to raise Singapore overall fertility rate with 3 children who will no doubt grow up to be great Singaporeans who will put their minds, spirit and soul to not only make their parent proud of them but also to their society and community. It is now time for others to step forward :-)
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